Before you decided I am the most arrogant person you know, hear my story.
It was a week before my 6th grade graduation. I was 11 and as innocent as they come. My parents went away for the day. We were with a new babysitter. She was state approved as my brother Lukie has down syndrome and had special needs. This woman left us with her son. Which was of course not state approved. This man watched us at the pool for several hours. The first thing I remember him saying to me was, “you are so beautiful, you will need to be careful in life, people will want to hurt you because you’re so beautiful.” He proceeded to molest me off and on the entire day. It wasn’t even the actual act that was so damaging for me but the seed planted deep into young soil that “beauty is dangerous.” I concluded on my own that Jesus must not love me as much as other little girls because He LET something so bad happen to me. I was pretty clear on His sovereignty at 11 years of age. My understanding of His goodness had been shaken.
I have navigated this world for 25 years since that day. I have struggle for 25 years over beauty. 25 years! Wow! I shared previously about the healing God has worked in me over the years earlier other post. You can check those out for some sweet God glory if you like. It has been such a journey.
On the matter of my physical appearance, I have always refused to think that I was attractive/beautiful. I desperately wanted to feel beautiful and all in one tornato of emotion I was terrified of it. I have done study after study on the beauty. Learning that God finds the hidden person of the woman heart beautiful. I always cringed at Palm 139 when God would tell me that I am fearfully and WONDERFULLY made. I have a husband who has been attracted to me for over 13 years….one would think that may convince me that I am a little bit good looking at least. But, no. I have always been trying to lose weight and hoping that if i was skinny enough one day I might be beautiful. I still have weight to lose but something has changed.
It finally clicked that saying I’m not beautiful in unbelief. If the Creator says He he carefully put me together in my Mom’s tummy that He knows me and loves me the way He made me then who am I so believe otherwise.
No one. I really have no place to tell God that He is wrong that I’m not wonderfully made but fear takes us to incredibly irrational places in our thinking doesn’t it?
I have been afraid of being beautiful for 25 year. The seed planted said, “Beauty is dangerous.” As I have grown in the Lord and stay in His word, He keeps whispering to me, I love you, My BEAUTIFUL girl. I have had it backward all this time. I have been apply my life experience to God’s character instead of applying God’s character to my life. I have aloud this world and all its terrible to shape my God, instead of believing the truth of who He is and allowing that to shape how I perceive the world.
This happens to change everything for me. Do I still want to lose weight, sure. Do I NEED to loose weight to be beautiful. No. I AM fearfully and wonderfully made and that my SOUL KNOWS VERY WELL. There is so much space freed up in my heart to worship and serve others now that I am not consciencely and unconsciously obsessing over self. When I say I have DECIDED that I am beautiful, it is a statement of freedom and agreeing with my Creator and Savior. Being willing to say it out loud. Its a big deal for me after 25 years of lies!
Is there something in your life that God is pretty clear in His word about that you are refusing to believe? May I encourage you to believe and if you can’t cry out to Jesus to help your unbelief. I am so thankful He answered my cry!